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Are We Treating Our Mates as Christ Treats Us?

Posted December 28, 2009
Updated January 4, 2010


Hi L____,

Thank you for your question concerning your relationship with your husband.

It is sad to hear of any mate mistreating another. That is especially true when both claim to be a part of the body of Christ. Physical marriage, like our physical lives, is supposed to be a reflection of Christ's relationship with the church. Just witness all this sound advice to all married couples:

Eph 5:21  Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Eph 5:22  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.
Eph 5:23  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Eph 5:24  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so [let] the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph 5:25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:26  That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Eph 5:27  That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Eph 5:28  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Eph 5:29  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
Eph 5:30  For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
Eph 5:31  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

I do not know you or your husband. All I have to go by concerning this relationship is your e-mail. In this e-mail you say you strive to be submissive to your husband, and you say "He puts much store in your website."

Well, if there is any truth to either of those statements, then your relationship should become markedly improved after you both read this email, because of the words of the very next verses of Ephesians 5.

Eph 5:32  This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.

Every word that you and your husband see above is actually speaking of Christ, as the head of the church, and the church as the bride of Christ. In other words, all that is said here to husbands and wives is actually and primarily about Christ's relationship with His church.

So when we read...:

Eph 5:22  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

...we are actually being told that the church, which church is supposedly partially made up of you and your husband, should be seeking to submit to Christ "as unto the Lord." The Lord is the husband of both husbands and wives, and our whole lives should be intent on making our husband, Christ, the center and focus of our lives. We should seek to make Him look good before all of our family and friends. We should always seek to glorify our husband in all we do, and we should go to great lengths never to say anything negative about our husband to our friends and family. If ever we have anything negative to say about our husband, Christ, we should do so in the privacy of our closet, between ourselves and Him, and never, ever in front of anyone else. Of course, it is understood that there is no room to ever criticize Christ, so the sooner we come to recognize that truth the better it is for us. But we are all Job, and we all, at our appointed time, think and believe that the sovereign God is simply not aware of what we are enduring, and if He is aware then He certainly is not showing any concern for the pain with which we are dealing. Like Job, we all, in our own time feel that "God has taken our judgment away.

Job 27:2  As God liveth, who hath taken away my judgment; and the Almighty, who hath vexed my soul;

Those are Job's own words, and Elihu, the one man who God does not reprimand, reminds him of those words when Elihu "speaks for God."

Job 33:6  Behold, I am according to thy wish in God's stead: I also am formed out of the clay.

Job 33:8  Surely thou [Job] hast spoken in mine hearing, and I have heard the voice of thy words, saying,
Job 33:9  I am clean without transgression, I am innocent; neither is there iniquity in me.

Perhaps we will say that we do not believe that we are innocent, but we all come to the point of believing that God is laying more on us then we are able to bear, and we all cry out to Him for mercy.

It is absolutely fruitless for anyone in my position to ever side with one mate against another. In today's society, men are so clueless as to what is their proper place in a marriage. On the one hand men see that the feminists have many women believing that it is absolutely foolish, and even Neanderthal, for a woman to depend upon or submit to her husband. This has resulted in squelching the God-given male tendency to take the initiative and be the leader of the family. This is the direct result of mankind's rejection of their spiritual husband. It is words which have proceeded out of the mouth of God and these are words which will be lived out in the lives of God's elect. It is the curse of being flesh for men to reject the headship of their husband, and for a woman's desire to be against her husband.

Gen 3:16  Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

This verse, as it is translated into the King James English, hides the great truth that is so obvious to the most casual observer. It hides the fact that men just naturally resent the headship of Christ, just as women just naturally resent the headship of a husband.

The Hebrew word translated 'to' in "thy desire shall be to thy husband..." is the Hebrew word 'el,' and is 151 times translated "against" as it appears in the very next chapter in this verse:

Gen 4:8 And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.

No wife just naturally seeks to please her husband, any more than any man just naturally seeks to please his spiritual husband, Christ. The Truth be told, all men just naturally resent and resist the will of their heavenly, spiritual husband, and all wives just naturally resent and resist the will of their husbands.

The church world as a whole may give lip service to husbands being the head of the house, but most churches demonstrate that they really do not believe in that precept by ignoring all of the plain straightforward scriptures on that subject. Read the paper entitled The Head of Christ Is God, in the essential reading section of the iswasandwillbe.com homepage. The essential reading section is in the upper left corner of the home page.

But mankind is not naturally capable of doing anything with a godly balance. So those churches which do stand with the word of God and teach those in their charge that men should be the leaders they were intended to be by God's own declaration in the garden of Eden and in 1Co 11, tend to emphasize the feminist influence on society, to the exclusion of the natural human tendency to overdo anything to which we lay our hands. The result is that those men who do see that men should be leaders, become taskmasters instead of leaders. A leader, as our Lord demonstrates, leads by example. Christ loved and tolerated the carnal, spiritually childish ways of His twelve unconverted apostles for three and one half years, and He never once lost His temper with them or ever belittled them. Yet he did rebuke them in love when they would attempt, as all wives do at times, to take over and set the agenda.

Mat 16:21 From that time forth began Jesus to shew unto his disciples, how that he must go unto Jerusalem, and suffer many things of the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and be raised again the third day.
Mat 16:22 Then Peter took him, and began to rebuke him, saying, Be it far from thee, Lord: this shall not be unto thee.
Mat 16:23 But he turned, and said unto Peter, Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offence unto me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men.
Mat 16:24 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

Peter, like any natural wife, attempted to become the leader. Christ rebuked Peter, and told Peter to follow Him and quit attempting to take from Christ His headship. But look at how Mark relates this incident to us:

Mar 8:31  And he began to teach them, that the Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders, and of the chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again.
Mar 8:32  And he spake that saying openly. And Peter took him, and began to rebuke him.
Mar 8:33  But when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men.
Mar 8:34  And when he had called the people unto him with his disciples also, he said unto them, Whosoever will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

Mark lets us know that Peter was actually speaking only what was in the hearts of all of Christ's disciples. "He turned about and looked on His disciples." Christ was speaking to us all when He was speaking to Peter.

So, lest anyone think that I am doing that which I am condemning, let it be known that all men who fail to be their wives greatest fans, and who fail to love and nourish their wives mentally, spiritually and physically, are ignoring and rebuking their own Lord, and telling Him that they know better than He what is best for mankind. God gives us all exactly what we need, and if that is a mate that seems full of faults, then that is exactly what He is telling us we are. It is I who need to learn to be patient. It is not Sandi. Sandi may need to learn to be patient, but that is not my problem. My only problem is what afflicts me. I have no power over anyone else on the face of this earth, and no one has ever be admonished to 'Work out your wife's salvation for it is God who works in you both to will and to do that.' No, that is not how God works with these "marred vessels of clay." The way He does work with each of us is to tell us to get the beam out of our own eye, that we may see clearly to get the mote out of the eye of our mate or anyone else on the face of this earth.

Mat 7:1  Judge not, that ye be not judged.
Mat 7:2  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.
Mat 7:3  And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
Mat 7:4  Or how wilt thou say to thy brother [wife or husband], Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Mat 7:5  Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye.

Now let's look at what we are told will make for a healthy marriage relationship:

Eph 5:23  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Eph 5:24  Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives [be] to their own husbands in every thing.
Eph 5:25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:26  That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Eph 5:27  That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Eph 5:28  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Eph 5:29  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
Eph 5:30  For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
Eph 5:31  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

There are two verses of this chapter addressed specifically to wives, and there are four times as many addressed to husbands. It is obvious that if God is holding anyone accountable for the state of the marriage, it is the one whose desire is against her husband, Christ. God will have Adam, in the end, to rule over his wife, just as He will, in the end, have Christ to rule over His bride. This verse, spiritually, is primarily addressed to men who claim to be the wife of Christ.

Gen 3:16  Unto the woman [the church] he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to [Hebrew - 'el,' against] thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

Christ, the patient leader of his church, will rule over all men who fail to follow these plain instructions given to all of us husbands who want to blame our wives for our own shortcomings. When we blame our wives for anything they do wrong, we are denying that God caused them to do that wrong for our good. Our wives are no more responsible for their weaknesses then we are for our far worse weaknesses. It is God who is working all things, and He is doing to for our good.

Nothing I have said denies that there are boundaries in all marriages, and that God does not expect any woman to live with a physically and emotionally abusive husband. Neither does it deny that any man is expected to spend his life in a relationship with a wife who has made it known that she has no intention of ever submitting to the headship of her husband and feels no need to show any sense of fidelity to her husband. But these situations are not the subject of your e-mail. In this exchange we are dealing with husbands and wives who want to serve and obey their respective 'husbands.'

So here is what Paul makes clear in the eight verses He addresses to men. He make it clear that these verses are actually the things Christ does for His body, the church:

Eph 5:23  For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
 
Eph 5:25  Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Eph 5:26  That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
Eph 5:27  That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
Eph 5:28  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Eph 5:29  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
Eph 5:30  For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
Eph 5:31  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

"The husband is...the savior of the wife" if he sets her a proper example of patience and gratitude for all she does. No loving husband ever allows his admonitions to His wife to ever outnumber his words of gratitude for all she does. If the food is burnt, he thanks her for preparing it, and he thanks God that he has food to eat, even if it is "a burnt offering." Christ was patient with His disciples and endured their childish, carnal ways, knowing that His Father would give them the ability to "keep His Words" even if they had never yet done so.

Joh 17:6 I have manifested thy name unto the men which thou gavest me out of the world: thine they were, and thou gavest them me; and they have kept thy word.

They had not yet done anything of the kind. Only minutes after Christ speaking these glowing words of praise to His Father, concerning His disciples, Peter would be attempting to kill the servant of the high priest. Christ never lost His temper with Peter as we do with our wives. He calmly told Peter to put up his sword, and realize that all who take the sword would die by the sword. Christ loved Peter even as Peter was demonstrating that He had already forgotten all the Christ had just taught Peter and the others about loving their enemies. What a lousy wife we men are to our Lord! Oh, how we desperately need to be patient with our wives so our Lord will be patient with us!

1Co 7:14  For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.

The believing wife sanctifies an unbelieving husband, even as she submits to his headship in their physical relationship. Only when her unbelieving husband becomes sanctified in spirit, does he become her spiritual husband. As unpopular as they are, here is the spiritual scriptures for that spiritual Truth:
1Co 11:3  But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.

Here is how we are commanded to deal with our wives. There are eight verses devoted to us men, and only two verses addressed to our wives:

Eph 5:28  So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Eph 5:29  For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

We man are to "nourish and cherish" our wives "even as the Lord [patiently nourished and cherished us men with all of our problems; problems which make our wives' problems look like righteousness by comparison] the church."

Eph 5:30  For we [married couples to whom these words are addressed as a type of Christ and His church] are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.

As members of His body, there is no way we should abuse one another. To the extent we do so, we are demonstrating how little "we are members of His body." Our feet may take us where they ought not, and our hands may do things they should never do, but we do not belittle or abuse them. Rather we "nourisheth and cherisheth [them], even as the Lord the church:"

Eph 5:31  For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.

Christ did not "leave His Father" to come down to this earth to become a domineering taskmaster to His church. He came down to experience what she was experiencing and to take those weaknesses upon Himself and overcome them. "He that is in you" is "Christ is come" and is living in our flesh today. That is what He is doing in all in whom He dwells to this very day. Any who say otherwise "are the spirit of antichrist."

1Jn 4:2  Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:
1Jn 4:3  And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that [spirit] of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.
1Jn 4:4  Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

Christ puts up with us all. But it is by His design that we men are leaders in sin, long before we become the leaders we are meant to be in spirit. So let us as true men be leaders who our wives are honored to follow. No one wants to follow a domineering hypocrite, who seeks nothing more than to demonstrate to other men that he will not be led by a woman. If we men want to demonstrate that we will not be led by a woman, then what we will do is forget about what other men think and ask ourselves what Christ thinks of how we treat our wives, and whether we go out of our ways to make our wives feel good about themselves, and whether we go to great lengths to cover our wives' sins as we want Christ to cover ours.

Yes, the marriage union is a physical reflection of how Christ is treating His church. How are we, as men, treating our wives? Are we taking their sins upon ourselves, or are we blaming them for what God is doing to reveal to us what we are. Christ came in sinful flesh to overcome that flesh as He lives His life in our sinful flesh. That does not take place in a ten second sinner's prayer. It is the end product of an entire lifetime. It takes the patience of Christ Himself to endure to the end of that process. That is the patience that a husband should show towards a godly wife in whom Christ is being formed, and that is the patience that a wife will show toward a husband who is slowly being conformed to that same image.

So while it is indeed spiritual, let us not deny the truth of these words, which recognize that we are all that a world living in darkness sees of the True Christ.

Eph 5:33  Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

1Co 14:33  For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

I pray that these words are found to be edifying to all the couples who read them, and I pray especially that the husbands who should be both the physical and spiritual leaders of their families will take note that God spends four times as many verses speaking to them than to their wives. I can say all that I say here only by virtue of bitter and shameful experience as a domineering, spiteful and hypocritical husband who expected from my wife what I was not able to give to her. Sandi has suffered long and has been patient. The Lord sees the heart while we men look of the outward appearance. I pray that we are all given the desire of our Lord Himself to "look on the hearts" of our wives, then look into our own hearts and see what is in our own hearts that needs to be burned out and purified. I have no doubt that will occupy all men until our Lord's appearing.

Mar 7:15  There is nothing from without a man [a wife or a husband], that entering into him can defile him: but the things which come out of him, those are they that defile the man.
Your brother in Christ,

Mike